From time to time I will dip into my previous posts from my old blog to share when they feel right. Yesterday I had quite a battle with my ego and this morning was a struggle, so I thought I’d share this piece with you. Hope you appreciate it. I did when rereading it.
Slow Dancing with My Ego
(Originally posted on 17 December 2021 on MontysScribbles.com)
I almost skipped today. My “daily” meditation that is. I’ve been feeling quite down lately. For various reasons and just because. It’s a familiar feeling. Motivation is always one of the first to go. To work. To live. But that is not the point. Only an explanation for why I almost skipped today.
I didn’t skip though. I took a small step toward the light and sat. I sat with myself. An unlikable but dependable companion. I sat with Him too. Not God. But a higher (than I) power that shares His wisdom with me when I choose to listen. His name is Jeff. A bit of an ordinary name for a higher power, but perhaps that’s a lesson too?
He asked me to dance. To slow dance more specifically. My dance partner? He left the choice to me. Any one of my many insecurities would do. But my partner chose me. He bullied his way to the front of the line whining “Me! Me! Me!”
I succumbed. I embraced my partner tentatively at first. With shame. Reluctantly acknowledging his existence, I wrapped my arms stiffly around him. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. And another. My arms softened gradually with acceptance. No love. But compassion. A moment of peace.
Jeff chuckled at the imagined site of me. I smiled. I’m grateful I didn’t skip today.
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I wish I could meditate. I once knew how, but now, my head is always full and my thoughts overflowing. Or I am too empty and as you say, there is not motivation – not to breathe, not to be, not to live. Maybe, it is only mid-January, maybe it is time to give mediation and washing my mind clean another chance. Maybe. Thank you for this inspiring post.
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I struggled off and on (mostly off) for a few years trying to meditate. I thought meditation meant that I had to be free of distracted thoughts and acutely tuned into some inner peace. It wasn’t till I found a guided meditation series that talked much more about acceptance and meditation as a practice (the work itself is valuable not just those few moments in the ‘zone’) did I come to enjoy and benefit from it. For me it was the 30-day introduction to meditation by Jeff Warren on the Calm app that was the breakthrough. Jeff also has a “daily trip” which is a new ~10 minute guided practice every day that I now use regularly. I like the variety. In addition to this I do a five minute unguided session at the close of my yoga routine. I’m so glad your thinking to try again. Thanks for reading and commenting. I wish you patience with yourself as you make the choice to try again. Be well, Monty.