Daily Droppings: “You Knew?”

With #bloganuary out of the way, it’s now time for something fresh as we (hopefully) ease out of winter and into an early spring. Luckily, I’m not the only one that’s been thinking about this and Sandra from What Sandra Thinks has created a series of daily prompts for the month of February. Looking over the prompts, I felt they had a lot of promise so, let’s do this!

Thanks to Giggling Fattie at No Love for Fatties for her post that introduced the opportunity. And, of course, special thanks to Sandra for all of the inspiration.

At the risk of setting myself up for disappointment, I’m going to go ahead and title this series “Daily Droppings” and plan to post daily. Hopefully I can get plenty of “mental fiber” and stick to a regular schedule.

The prompt: “You Knew?”

My son, 20 years old this month and at university, recently admitted to me that he used to read my journal. In his words “You were really messed up”. I don’t disagree (except for maybe his use of the past tense). I was shocked about what he knew about me all these years and never mentioned. Yes, he totally violated my privacy, but all I could think about was how did he ever stay silent all those years? How did reading my very personal words impact him?

I started journaling as part of therapy. I’d been suffering chronic pain and depression since my early childhood and I finally accepted that I needed help. And I finally wanted help versus a permanent escape.

My journal was a mind dump of the darkest thoughts that crossed my mind. I confessed to thoughts I never knew I had. I never realized how angry and repressed I was until I started to journal. I scrawled nasty and hateful thoughts. Dark fantasies. Detailed recounts of suicide attempts and future plans. Interspersed with moments of gratitude, love, and light. I wrote wildly and never read my entries. I just purged and moved on. I can’t imagine what it was like for my son to read my words. Did he think these were just thoughts and crazy writings? Or did he believe that those written words were truer than the ones I spoke?

I’m too afraid to ask him. While, I’ve made much progress with my mental health, I’m just not ready to know. My son has struggled with his own mental health and I’m still working through my role in his illness. I know there are genetics at play, but I fear the damage I’ve done. Not by my words never intended to be read, but by my actions (and inactions). I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t know that I need to know.

All I know is that I love my son. Yes, I worry for him, but I also believe in him. Hope for him. And hope that he reads and believes these words too.

Be well,

Monty

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