Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source of inspiration for this series.
The prompt: “I Can’t Wait”
I spent so much of my life wishing it away. Hoping to fast forward or, better yet, skip ahead to the end. It’s taken a lot of hard work and self-care, but I’m grateful that today “I can wait”.
Content Warning: References to self-harm and suicidal ideation.
Breathless
I see him there in my memory
a boy no older than two times three
sitting on those stairs
not anticipating future back stares
from an older self in therapy
He becomes smudged and blurry
as I uncover what I had tried to bury
my eyes becoming wet
seeing him on that step
now crying uncontrollably
He was just a small child earnestly
but with uncertainty
trying his best
to close out his breath
and wishing so desperately
Having thought quite stupidly
squeezing his neck tightly
would take away his pain
which wasn’t insane
for a child of only two times three
He felt unlovable and lonely
I know, for this wasn’t just some story
of a boy and his sadness
or the beginning of his madness
it was my found history
Having failed miserably
I had given-up patiently
and I’m not really surprised
there was no demise
as this was to become a lifetime study
Be well,
Monty
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