Day 12

For appropriate context, you will want to first read yesterday’s post “Eleven Days Ago”. Now, onto Day 12.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night screaming. I recall the dream vividly if not completely. There was a murderer in the house in the form of a small girl with a big blade of some sort. She threatened my family. At the dream’s climax, I’d somehow trapped her in the basement and was charging down the stairs with a bat crying out my scariest war cry. That war cry was my screaming.

This all occurred while I was sleeping on the sofa next to my wife’s hospital bed in the middle of the inpatient ward. I awoke mid-scream with my wife calling to me. In the aftermath, I heard lot’s of movement and scrambling outside the hospital room door. I imagined the nurses were trying to determine from what room the cry had come from. Seeking a male patient in pain. They never found me. I was too embarrassed to settle the mystery.

I’m not a dream interpreter. I can’t say why it was a little girl that was the threat to my family. But as I was screaming out my war cry it was fueled by a mix of fear and anger with a deep need to protect my love ones. While I’m no longer screaming audibly, I can confirm that that same emotional mix is still crying out within me. The emotional implosion is not logical. I know rationally that the worst never happened and that my wife is in very capable hands. That the surgery is major but not inherently dangerous. That while I write this they are probably sewing her back up and getting her ready to come to post-op. That her deep sleep is temporary. That I will be back at her side soon. Doing whatever I can to make her a little bit more comfortable. And beginning the long journey ahead of recovery. Together.

But…my figurative organs are all out of sorts. My heart hurts in a dark cloud of anxiety. My mind races to stamp down all the negative thoughts. My stomach is tied up in knots.

So what to do? Well, I’m writing. Writing to process all these emotions so that when she’s back I’ll be my best self and ready to help. To do whatever I need to do to protect my loved ones. And yes, if needed, I’m ready with my war cry.

Be well,



  1. I am sure you will do great!

    Liked by 1 person

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