Warning: this post contains content related to self-harm.
Watch Me
Watch me slice my flesh, through the tendons to the bone. Watch me bleed brightly across the white sheets in patterns of pain. Watch me cry out tears of relief, for a final peace. Watch me close my eyes, so you don’t have to. Watch me exhale desperate for it to be my last.
Don’t watch me suddenly inhale with fear. Don’t watch me open my eyes, unnaturally dilated with pills of courage. Don’t watch me cry tears, cold with the realization of failure. Don’t watch me stop bleeding, congealed and clotted by regret. Please, God, stop watching me.
This poem is a part of the poetic ‘scavenger hunt’ designed by @murisopsis from A Different Perspective. This time the theme is Names, as inContinue reading “Joseph’s Star: A Love Story”
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This poem is a part of the poetic ‘scavenger hunt’ designed by @murisopsis from A Different Perspective. This time the theme is Names, as inContinue reading “Coraline: 汕头 （Shantou）”
Note: I wrote this a couple weeks ago already but life decided to throw me a little curve ball in the form of a kidney stone which was quite “distracting” to say the least. Anyway, here it is.
I wrote about my 2022 Intentions (as an alternative to resolutions) during the new year. After wrapping up May it’s time to reflect again. As a reminder, “intentions” are the behaviors and attitudes that I intend to promote and champion within myself each day. The intent is to do (be) my best on any given day…in any given moment. There are no rules. No broken promises. Just good intentions.
Well May turned out to be a very unusual month. As those of you that have been following me or the situation in Shanghai in general we continue to be locked down. But this month I also spent 18 days with my wife locked down in the hospital due to her broken leg and needed surgery. Needless to say this was pretty disruptive to my daily rhythms and practices. Between the stress of the accident, the demands of taking care of a loved one in need at all hours of day and night, and only a sofa to sleep on, I found rest whenever I could. I worked sporadically using only my cell phone (I didn’t stop to get anything except the car keys when I rushed my wife to the hospital, let alone my computer). It was a weird month.
With regard to my intentions, it’s also been a bit of an unusual month, but let’s recap.
#1 Intention: Rise and Shine
My first 2022 Intention was to ”Rise and Shine”. To get up when I (first) wake up. Given my normal sleep patterns I decided to wake and get up at 5 a.m. (with a 9-9:30 sleep target to ensure I got enough sleep to feel rested).
In May, aside from the days in the hospital I generally kept to the 5am wake-up schedule. In the hospital I was up at all times during the night and I slept whenever my wife slept so I (smartly) abandoned this intention for that period. I was exhausted and slept a lot! Stress will do that to you. However, overall, I feel I did well in managing my energy, which is the real intention here.
#2 Intention: Move
My second 2022 Intention was to “Move”. To get my body moving daily whether it be doing yoga, or taking a walk, or going for a bike ride or swim it’s all good. The idea here was whether I feel fresh or tired, I‘ll choose to move.
As you can imagine, being locked down in a hospital does not exactly support an active lifestyle. I made a short walk down to the lobby to get a cup of coffee in the morning. Another walk to the cafeteria in the afternoon or evening to pick up something to eat but that was about it. There are rumors that the lock-down will ease up in June and I look forward to getting back to walking outside which is my preferred form of exercise “when I don’t feel like exercising”.
While this intention has nothing to do with weight management, I did happen to lose 5 Kg during the hospital stay despite my inactivity. Probably mostly due to limited dietary intake and stress. It does feel nice to be a little lighter on my feet and I look forward getting back into some sense of normality with this intention.
#3 Intention: Be
My third 2022 Intention was to “Be”. To meditate each day.
I found meditating in the hospital environment difficult. I usually listen to a guided meditation but without any privacy I didn’t feel comfortable. Instead I tended to write as my form of meditative therapy. So let’s move onto the next intention.
#4 Intention: Create
My fourth 2022 Intention was to “Create”. To write and or create art each day.
I wrote all but two days this month and considering everything that was going on I consider that quite impressive. April was a very productive month and I wasn’t sure what I would do with my writing in May, but life gave me plenty of material to work with (funny how that works isn’t it?). This months writing was very therapeutic. Especially for processing my feelings around the accident. The fear. The guilt. The gratitude. I’m so appreciative to have this creative outlet in my life.
So there they are. My May reflections. Another mixed bag, but if I think back at all I’ve done to take care of myself and my loved ones I did a pretty good job. This whole intentions thing is supposed to be about positivity and a little bit of self-compassion can go along way.
I wrote about my 2022 Intentions (as an alternative to resolutions) during the new year. After wrapping up April it’s time to reflect again. As a reminder, “intentions” are the behaviors and attitudes that I intend to promote and champion within myself each day. The intent is to do (be) my best on any given day…in any given moment. There are no rules. No broken promises. Just good intentions.
April was another challenging month with us being locked down (along with the entire city of Shanghai). For those that are not aware, Shanghai is taking a very strict approach to locking down due to the spike in covid cases. Starting in March we began to experience restrictions from leaving our community and in April we were mostly restricted to staying in our own homes with the only exception for getting covid testing. We are blessed with a garden and so unlike many that are stuck in apartments with no recourse, I do have more space to stretch, but I must say this is getting quite tiring and for all the people of Shanghai, quite sad. One bright spot is seeing the neighborhood become more neighborly with people sharing when running out of supplies and collaborating on bulk orders to secure new supplies. Ironically I’ve “met” more neighbors during lock-down then I ever met during ‘normal’ times.
With regard to my intentions, it’s been an up and down month with some low spots and some bright spots. Let’s take a look — here are my reflections for each intention.
#1 Intention: Rise and Shine
My first 2022 Intention was to ”Rise and Shine”. To get up when I (first) wake up. Given my normal sleep patterns I decided to wake and get up at 5 a.m. (with a 9-9:30 sleep target to ensure I got enough sleep to feel rested).
In April I generally kept to this 5am get-up schedule but with my working from home due to the lock-down I didn’t need as much time in the morning and I sometimes ended up taking a nap even before work started, which never really felt that restful. I’d say in the past week or so I’ve gotten more on track with this regard and am feeling less sluggish.
#2 Intention: Move
My second 2022 Intention was to “Move”. To get my body moving daily whether it be doing yoga, or taking a walk, or going for a bike ride or swim it’s all good. The idea here was whether I feel fresh or tired, I‘ll choose to move.
Moving was by far the biggest challenge for me this month with me clocking in exercise only sporadically. Walking hasn’t been a choice due to the lockdown (and it’s my preferred option for moving when I’m low energy), but I do have options for yoga and an exercise bike. So it’s really just a matter of reminding myself of my intention and taking a first step to get going.
#3 Intention: Be
My third 2022 Intention was to “Be”. To meditate each day.
My general habit was to meditate after yoga each day and with my lapses in yoga I also lapsed a bit in meditation. But in the second half of the month I started to meditate more by telling myself if I’m not going to do yoga I can still meditate. This “permission” unlocked me a bit.
#4 Intention: Create
My fourth 2022 Intention was to “Create”. To write and or create art each day.
Here, I excelled. In celebration of national poetry month the muse was with me and I wrote over 75 poems over the course of the month. I’ve been wonderfully prolific and this has been a bright light for me throughout the month. I even published my sixth book this month after starting the work on it in March — a very fast cycle from idea to fruition (and definitely atypical). The book is a collection of illustrated silly poetry and you can learn more about the book here if your interested.
So there they are. My April reflections. A mixed bag, but if I think back holistically at my month I’ve done something to take care of myself everyday and that is something I can (and do) feel good about myself for. I’m not going to make any adjustments to my intentions as I still feel that they are all positive directions for me.
I do sincerely hope that the situation here in Shanghai eases and people regain some freedom. People need to feel some lightheartedness and joy.
Since it’s poetry month, I thought I would try out some new forms and I bumped into a great blog post from A Different Perspective listing out 13 poetic form prompts. A big thanks to them for the inspiration
– Made up of ten lines – Even lines are two syllables – Odd lines are longer (no syllable count requirement) – Even lines make up a mini-poem if read separately – No other requirements (e.g. rhyme, theme)
The Waltmarie sounds like a dance and with the two poems intermingling it’s aptly named. So come along and dance with me!
Warning: This poem turned out to be a very somber dance and references self-harm. Please pass if your uncomfortable with this topic.
Dance Free
From my neck my head hangs loosely My mind Eased by the pull of gravity My heart Forgiven by the strength of rope My hurt Soothed by the rhythmic swinging My soul Released above the toppled chair to Dance free
I didn’t realize I was going to get so heavy with this. While I have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation/self-harm throughout my life, I’m in a good place now. This poem is pulling from times past when I believed my healing could only come from death. Gratefully I’ve learned that I can heal through acceptance. Creativity — writing and art, have been instrumental in helping me with acceptance. Thus I feel it’s quite appropriate (and beautiful) that the mini poem within reads:
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I wrote about my 2022 Intentions (as an alternative to resolutions) during the new year. After wrapping up March it’s time to reflect again. As a reminder, “intentions” are the behaviors and attitudes that I intend to promote and champion within myself each day. The intent is to do (be) my best on any given day…in any given moment. There are no rules. No broken promises. Just good intentions.
Woah! March was a tough one. I really struggled throughout the month. “My best” proved to be a lot less this month than prior months. Not as an excuse, but just as context I started this month trying to recover from a cold and we’ve been in and out of lock-downs (currently in) due to Covid restrictions. This meant a lot less energy and opportunity for getting active. I’d love to be writing another rosy reflection for the month, but sometimes that’s just not how things go and I think it’s important to share these times as much as it is to share the more positive ones. To get a sense of this month’s ups and downs you might want to check out my posts “The Slumps” and “The Unslumpening”.
With all that said, here are my reflections for each intention.
#1 Intention: Rise and Shine
My first 2022 Intention was to ”Rise and Shine”. To get up when I (first) wake up. Given my normal sleep patterns I decided to wake and get up at 5 a.m. (with a 9-9:30 sleep target to ensure I got enough sleep to feel rested).
In March, I found that I needed more sleep and it was very challenging to get up (and stay up). It was a month of sleeping in a little bit more and lot’s of naps.
How do I feel? Sluggish and, if I’m fully honest with myself, a bit lazy. I know I said intentions are not about feeling guilty and bad about myself, but these feelings sometimes trickle in. Not getting off to a good start each day, made it even more challenging to live into my other intentions. But today is a new day and new opportunity for a fresh start (as is everyday), so I’m still optimistic in the big picture.
#2 Intention: Move
My second 2022 Intention was to “Move”. To get my body moving daily whether it be doing yoga, or taking a walk, or going for a bike ride or swim it’s all good. The idea here was whether I feel fresh or tired, I‘ll choose to move.
Getting my butt off the chair was as challenging this month as “rising and shining” and there is absolutely a connection between the two. I got a rash on my wrist and ended up taking a break from wearing my Apple Watch so I don’t have tracking for the month, but it was way down for sure.
How do I feel? Well, sluggish as I mentioned above, but I know what I need to do. My plan is to take a small step back in the amount of exercise I’m targeting each day and ease back into it with gentler yoga routines and shorter walks/bike rides. Focusing more on starting to move vs. how much I move. Feel free to leave me a pep talk in the comments to cheer me forward. Hehe.
#3 Intention: Be
My third 2022 Intention was to “Be”. To meditate each day.
I’ve been less consistent in March, but still meditating more than not. I’m now at a modest four day streak and feeling better.
How do I feel? At this point I think you know…I feel sluggish. I also noticed on days that I didn’t meditate I started to feel some anxiety (which is not too common for me as I usually lean toward depression vs. anxiety). I definitely know meditation is good for me and I’m feeling better these past few days for it.
#4 Intention: Create
My fourth 2022 Intention was to “Create”. To write and or create art each day.
Well, here is one area that I have been living up to fully every day. Since January, I’ve written every day and created illustrations/art on many days as well. I’ve posted over 150 blog posts so far this year and I’ve got a great month planned ahead for April as it is both poetry month and the #AtoZChallenge. Check out my theme reveal for the #AtoZChallenge and look forward to some seriously silly poetry all month long in April. In addition, The Golden Shovel is back for April! I invite you to join in.
How do I feel? Inspired! There is nothing like creating something from nothing. I love it. I even submitted a collection of poetry to a publisher for consideration. Wish me luck!
Well there they are. My 2022 March reflections. While I will not make any changes to my intentions overall, as mentioned, I will adjust my “move” expectations to help me ease back into a more active daily pattern.
I caught the slumps. I get them periodically. The thesaurus calls them the doldrums or malaise, but the slumps are what I got. It’s not quite the dumps, but heading downward in that direction. I try to look-up, but all I see is the floor. I’m walking around feeling quite poor. I’m struggling writing this piece. I feel I’ve nothing meaningful to say on this day. But I write on. I write on. I write on and on thinking I might write my way to having something to say.
My dog, Jack, seems to know. He comes over periodically offering his cold nose. He bumps me asking me to play. It works for me, he seems to say. When he realizes I’m not up for his advice, he settles for a rub and a hug and meanders away. Suit yourself, he says. Have it your way.
Of course, I know Jack’s right. The best way to get out of the slumps is to play. It’s why I keep finding rhymes while writing on this way. It’s not as fun as the bouncy ball to Jack, but it helps me get on track. If I keep writing on it won’t be long till I’m back.
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I wrote about my 2022 Intentions (as an alternative to resolutions) during the new year. After wrapping up February it’s time to reflect again. As a reminder, “intentions” are the behaviors and attitudes that I intend to promote and champion within myself each day. The intent is to do (be) my best on any given day…in any given moment. There are no rules. No broken promises. Just good intentions.
As I write this I’m recovering (I hope!) from a pretty nasty cold which has me in a bit of a downer mood, but I fully expect this to be a temporary situation and I’m putting the work in everyday to get through these periodic troughs.
#1 Intention: Rise and Shine
My first 2022 Intention was to ”Rise and Shine”. To get up when I (first) wake up. Given my normal sleep patterns I decided to wake and get up at 5 a.m. (with a 9-9:30 sleep target to ensure I got enough sleep to feel rested). In January, I had lived into this intention every day and the same is true for February.
How do I feel? I’m still feeling GREAT (aside from the darn cold, that is)! Waking up early is the gift that gives back as it gives me the time and energy to do anything else that I want to do in any given day.
#2 Intention: Move
My second 2022 Intention was to “Move”. To get my body moving daily whether it be doing yoga, or taking a walk, or going for a bike ride or swim it’s all good. The idea here was whether I feel fresh or tired, I‘ll choose to move.
In January, I had made significant gains in my movement with exercising in some fashion everyday. For the most, part I’ve continued to increase my rate of movement in February. I did have a couple days (yesterday and today) that I didn’t clock any exercise, but I’ve got a cold and it’s perfectly reasonable to rest my body. That’s the great thing about intentions vs. resolutions. Missing a day is just a minor blip. No worries.
I averaged just over 9300 steps per day in February (about double my six-month average).
I averaged 1.5 hours exercise per day in February (about 30 minutes longer than my six-month average).
For the most part my day included 20-35 minutes of yoga, 45-60 minutes of walking, and I also added indoor bicycling this month as I got myself a “semi-smart” exercise bike as a new toy to play with this year. I look forward to more rides during March.
How do I feel? Still GREAT! Definitely feel the exercise is improving my overall mood and resilience both physically and mentally.
#3 Intention: Be
My third 2022 Intention was to “Be”. To meditate each day. In January, I meditated every morning for about 10 minutes and I kept that up during February. According to my tracking App, I’ve now meditated for 57 days in a row. Not bad.
How do I feel? At this point I think you know…I feel GREAT! I know. I know. It’s getting repetitive (again), but it’s the truth.
#4 Intention: Create
My fourth 2022 Intention was to “Create”. To write and or create art each day. In January, I wrote every day at least once and often created an illustration as well. The same has been true for February. In, fact I’ve generated over 100 written (often illustrated) pieces so far this year.
How do I feel? Inspired! (Thought I was going to say great, didn’t you?). There is nothing like creating something from nothing. I love it. Some of the poetry pieces I feel good enough about to try and publish. Fun stuff!
Well there they are. My 2022 February reflections. I’m feeling very positive about my intentions and I don’t have any adjustments to make at this time.
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source of inspiration for this series.
The prompt: “I Can’t Wait”
I spent so much of my life wishing it away. Hoping to fast forward or, better yet, skip ahead to the end. It’s taken a lot of hard work and self-care, but I’m grateful that today “I can wait”.
Content Warning: References to self-harm and suicidal ideation.
A lighthearted poem (because I needed one). Pop! Pop! The music rocks! Lifts me up by its beat on repeat, repeat. It caught me byContinue reading “Pop! Pop!”
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source ofContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “Title””
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source ofContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “Argue””
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source ofContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “Purpose””
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source ofContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “Treat””
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who created a series of daily prompts for the month of February which are the source ofContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “Flowers””
Special thanks to Sandra from What Sandra Thinks who has created a series of daily prompts for the month of February, which are the inspirationContinue reading “Daily Droppings: “So Hot””
With #bloganuary out of the way, it’s now time for something fresh as we (hopefully) ease out of winter and into an early spring. Luckily,Continue reading “Daily Droppings: “Too Much””
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With #bloganuary out of the way, it’s now time for something fresh as we (hopefully) ease out of winter and into an early spring. Luckily,Continue reading “Daily Droppings: “Bad Idea””
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26th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: What is your favorite part about yourself? What a strange question. Am I to dissect myselfContinue reading “Self Love”
25th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: Write about what makes you feel strong. I don’t feel strong. At least not the strongContinue reading “I Don’t Feel Strong”
23rd post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: Interview a fictional character. I’m stretching this prompt a bit, but this is what I feelContinue reading “Dear Father,”
21st post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: If you could, what year would you time travel to and why? Ah. A classic topicContinue reading “Past Present Future”
20th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: What is your favorite photo you’ve ever taken? Um, “ever”??? Let’s get reasonable. How about myContinue reading “A Photo of a Photo”
19th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: Write something mysterious. Well, this is quite the turn. Write something mysterious, huh? No query. NotContinue reading “The Night Train”
17th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event) The Prompt: What is a superpower you’d love to have? When I saw this prompt come in IContinue reading “Slo-Mo Man”
With #bloganuary out of the way, it’s now time for something fresh as we (hopefully) ease out of winter and into an early spring. Luckily, I’m not the only one that’s been thinking about this and Sandra from What Sandra Thinks has created a series of daily prompts for the month of February. Looking over the prompts, I felt they had a lot of promise so, let’s do this!
At the risk of setting myself up for disappointment, I’m going to go ahead and title this series “Daily Droppings” and plan to post daily. Hopefully I can get plenty of “mental fiber” and stick to a regular schedule.
The prompt: “You Knew?”
My son, 20 years old this month and at university, recently admitted to me that he used to read my journal. In his words “You were really messed up”. I don’t disagree (except for maybe his use of the past tense). I was shocked about what he knew about me all these years and never mentioned. Yes, he totally violated my privacy, but all I could think about was how did he ever stay silent all those years? How did reading my very personal words impact him?
I started journaling as part of therapy. I’d been suffering chronic pain and depression since my early childhood and I finally accepted that I needed help. And I finally wanted help versus a permanent escape.
My journal was a mind dump of the darkest thoughts that crossed my mind. I confessed to thoughts I never knew I had. I never realized how angry and repressed I was until I started to journal. I scrawled nasty and hateful thoughts. Dark fantasies. Detailed recounts of suicide attempts and future plans. Interspersed with moments of gratitude, love, and light. I wrote wildly and never read my entries. I just purged and moved on. I can’t imagine what it was like for my son to read my words. Did he think these were just thoughts and crazy writings? Or did he believe that those written words were truer than the ones I spoke?
I’m too afraid to ask him. While, I’ve made much progress with my mental health, I’m just not ready to know. My son has struggled with his own mental health and I’m still working through my role in his illness. I know there are genetics at play, but I fear the damage I’ve done. Not by my words never intended to be read, but by my actions (and inactions). I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t know that I need to know.
All I know is that I love my son. Yes, I worry for him, but I also believe in him. Hope for him. And hope that he reads and believes these words too.
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I wrote about my 2022 Intentions (as an alternative to resolutions) during the new year. After wrapping up January it’s time to reflect. As a reminder, “intentions” are the behaviors and attitudes that I intend to promote and champion within myself each day. The intent is to do (be) my best on any given day…in any given moment. There are no rules. No broken promises. Just good intentions.
#1 Intention: Rise and Shine
My first 2022 Intention was to ”Rise and Shine”. To get up when I (first) wake up. Given my normal sleep patterns I decided to wake and get up at 5 a.m. (with a 9-9:30 sleep target to ensure I got enough sleep to feel rested). In January, I awoke at or before 5 a.m. every day and my average time asleep was just over 7 hours. So I’ve been living into this intention quite well.
How do I feel? GREAT! My energy and motivation is way up. I get done with my morning routine by 6am and am ready to face the day without any rush. If I feel tired during the day, I take a nap (naps are great too!).
#2 Intention: Move
My second 2022 Intention was to “Move”. To get my body moving daily whether it be doing yoga, or taking a walk, or going for a bike ride or swim it’s all good. The idea here was whether I feel fresh or tired, I‘ll choose to move. In January, I made significant improvement in my movement. I exercised every day at least once and sometimes twice. Yoga was part of my morning routine so I did it everyday (I increased from 10 minutes to 15 minutes over the course of the month and did several 30 minute sessions as well). I also started walking. When working from home and the weather was favorable I took a ~6km walk when I had a free block in between meetings. When at work I took a shorter lunch time walk. I got major blisters the first time as I walked in my work shoes so I bought an extra pair of sneakers to keep at the office just so I could walk. I walked 16 times this month. On average I worked out for an average of 1 hour a day since I started tracking mid-month.
How do I feel? GREAT! I’m feeling much better about myself. I’m still well below average in cardio fitness level (I invested in an Apple Watch to help me better understand and track my heart health), but I’m slowly improving and most importantly I feel highly motivated to continue.
#3 Intention: Be
My third 2022 Intention was to “Be”. To meditate each day. In January, I meditated every morning for about 10 minutes depending on the length of my preferred guided meditation length. I did my meditation after my yoga practice so I was awake enough not to fall asleep. I got myself a meditation cushion with back support which has been good support and I’ve been able to really get into the flow this month. I also sprinkled in some additional meditations during the month when I needed to give my mind a break.
How do I feel? GREAT! I know. I know. It’s getting repetitive, but it’s the truth. I’ve had a number of stressful situations this month at work and they sometimes got me a bit off kilter, but I was able to use meditation to recalibrate myself and my priorities each time.
#4 Intention: Create
My fourth 2022 Intention was to “Create”. To write and or create art each day. In January, I wrote every day at least once and often created an illustration as well. I participated in a blogging event called #bloganuary that provided a writing prompt every day. Here’s a recap. In total, I posted 48 times in January on my blog. I also started to try to learn how to sketch this month and spent a lot of time working on basic skills.
How do I feel? Inspired! (Thought I was going to say great, didn’t you?). There is nothing like creating something from nothing. I love it. I also moved my blog onto WordPress this month which allowed for much more interaction via comments, which I found very rewarding and motivating.
Well there they are. My 2022 January reflections. I’m feeling very positive about my intentions and I don’t have any adjustments to make at this time. I do want to get a smart exercise bike so I can do some more cardio besides walking (especially when the weather is not cooperative). I’m waiting for my annual bonus to come in then will make the splurge.
With #bloganuary over, I’m not sure how I will approach February yet for the blog. I’m open to posting daily again if I’m inspired (if you’re aware of any February daily prompts, please let me know). But I can always write and draw for myself without feeling the need to post. Posting and getting some feedback and interaction is a bonus, but the true value is in the creating.
Monty’s Blahg 