I’ve been retracing my steps all morning. Not deep into the past, but shallow moves forward followed by equal measures backward. Stuck in a reciprocating pattern where nothing changes except the clocks progression. I’m trying to write myself out of it. It took a while to get anything to stick. To survive the backspace button. No surprise that it’s just an account of my experience. So often that is what my writing boils down to. Nothing to interpret. No plot to unwind. Just a life being lived.
I have a confession to make. Not a confession to absolve myself of guilt, but rather one to share in case it resonates for anyone reading. Loneliness has been coming up lately. Not the type of loneliness that comes from being physically alone. Rather the type that pervades even when surrounded by others. I often feel lonely in this way and it brings me great shame. I ask myself how can I feel lonely when I have a loving and caring family? Do I not appreciate them? I feel unworthy. That my depression is a betrayal of their love. It’s often when I’m in this type of headspace that I’m at my most dangerous. That I’m weak and fall into old self-fulfilling behaviors that undermine my worth. Last night I battled such feelings and compulsions and came out whole. For that I’m grateful. I’ve found that by strengthening my faith I’m more resilient against these feelings. I still have them. But I don’t have to indulge them.
Be well,
Monty
Monty’s Blahg 
Monty I’m glad that you are fighting the depression AND that you have tools that are working for you. That feeling of being alone in a crowded room is a universal experience. What makes the difference is how you respond to that. Please don’t blame yourself and take on shame. Writing about it is a healthy coping mechanism as is going for a walk or connecting with family – maybe it is just holding hands… Big hugs!!
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Thanks for your warm message…it matters. It’s “funny” you mentioned a walk. Yesterday I went for my first walk in months with a friend that is visiting. In the morning I prayed for help with self-care…some help to do something healthy. Then the offer of a walk came in. I was actually just writing about it. Check my next post. Hugs back to you!
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