Category Archives: bloganuary

Speechless

12th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What emoji(s) do you like to use.

I make my own.

How I first felt when I read today’s prompt:

“sad”

But then I realized I could showcase some of my previous masterpieces:

“tantrum” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts
“on-fleek” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts
“not laughing!” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts
“outsmarted (by self” – originally published in Thirteen Words (vol. II)
“shh” – originally published in Thirteen Words (Vol. II)

I fully expect this post to translate into a spike in sales (and I will notice as I haven’t had a sale in over three months…haha). Happy emoji-ing.

Be well,

Monty

Living Courageously

11th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What does it mean to live boldly?

First let’s get grounded…

Boldly:

(1) in a confident and courageous way; showing a willingness to take risk.

(2) in a way that is characterized by having a strong, vivid, or clear appearance.

– Oxford Dictionary

Ok, so based on this literal foundation, I’m going to reframe the question for today as “What does it mean to live courageously?”

Living Courageously

Living courageously is being open, honest, and vulnerable.

Living courageously is admitting to my mistakes and making amends.

Living courageously is loving myself with all my faults.

Living courageously is loving another unconditionally.

Living courageously is changing the things I can.

Living courageously is accepting the things I cannot change.

Living courageously is choosing life even when I don’t want to.

Living courageously is finding joy amidst the pain.

Living courageously is simply,

Living.

What does living courageously mean to you?

Be well,

Monty

Sun, Happiness, Coffee, Writing & Gratitude

10th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What are five things you’re grateful for today?

1) The morning sun. While it’s not a sunny morning per se, the sun is doing it’s job and lighting up the morning sky. Reminding me to appreciate the improbable wonder of life.

“Life” – originally published in Thirteen Words (Vol. I)

2. Happiness. I chose to feel happy this morning. I’ve been making this choice more and more in life. I think this is what they call wisdom.

“Happiness” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts.

3. Coffee (and a sense of humor). Hehe. I make myself chuckle.

“Coffee” – originally published in Thirteen Words (Vol. III)

4. Writing. Writing saved my life once…and every day since.

“Wild Writing” – originally published in Thirteen Words (Vol. III)

5. Gratitude.

“Rebirth” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts

Be well,

Monty

An Uninspired Post

9th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What do people incorrectly assume about you?

Well, sh*t. I’ve been on a role (in my not so humble opinion), but I feel wholly uninspired by this question. This could just as easily be written as “What do I (incorrectly) assume that people incorrectly assume about me?” I feel all this assuming we do about what others are really thinking that causes such ugliness in our world. I don’t want to contribute to more of this unhealthy assuming. All we know is how others behave and all they know about us is how we behave. It’s that simple. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just as guilty as all of us in attributing others intentions and meaning behind what they say and do. I think it’s human nature. But it’s not helpful in most cases. Whether we are making positive or negative assumptions about others we are missing the opportunity to listen openly, to inquire curiously, and to trust vulnerably. We are missing the opportunity for true connection and love. So, uninspired by this question, yet inspired to do better, today I choose to share myself more openly and listen to each of you without judgement.

“Judge” (Originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts)

Be well,

Monty

Discovering Hope

8th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What do you like most about your writing?

Ok, this time I’m going to have to twist the prompt a bit. I’m not so inclined to write about what I like about my writing. For me the act of writing is much more important and interesting to me then the resulting work itself (that is not to say I don’t enjoy my finished works, but by comparison the writing itself is much more the point). So I’m going to change the prompt to: What do you like most about writing?

I’m glad you asked! The short answer is writing has saved my life. It’s hard not to like (appreciate) something that has saved your life, right? I’m not exaggerating. This isn’t hyperbole (I think…maybe I should recheck the definition). To explain, I think it would be helpful to first provide some background and context. Let’s look back at a personal essay I wrote last summer, ‘A Monster Named Me’.

A Monster Named Me

Originally published July 15, 2021 on Monty’s Scribbles.

All it took was the slightest sharpening of the sword in my eyeballs or the tiniest cinching of the vice upon my temples and I knew the Monster was arriving. There was no guessing involved. If the Monster peaked out from the closet then it was guaranteed to come out to terrorize me. The monster, a.k.a. my migraine, was a constant presence in my life. It was always there. Sometimes a low level threat hanging out in the closet. Other times, more so than not, a dangerous and angry force out for destruction.

My ability to predict the onslaught of pain was uncanny. It was like I had perfect clairvoyance, but only in this one aspect of my life. How could this be? The answer was simple. The monster was me. I wasn’t predicting its arrival. I was conjuring the monster from within me.

A Monster Named Me

What I had thought was a wild and uncontrollable force was in fact a well-trained and obedient pet doing my bidding. This was non-obvious to me though. I spent years, decades, feeling like I was at its mercy. I could try to placate it. Manage the intensity of its anger by avoiding certain triggers or curling up in a dark room, but these measures were of minimal effect. In fact, it seemed as if there were more and more triggers. More and more of life that I had to avoid if I wanted some peace. Instead of living life I was avoiding it. I felt hopeless.

There is a name for what I was doing. This “reading of the tea leaves” and predicting (i.e. calling) the onslaught of pain. It’s called “catastrophizing”, which is the mental process of constant negative thinking and emotional responses to pain that can lead to pain becoming worse in intensity and duration, i.e. chronic pain. Essentially, I was programming my brain that when I did something ”dangerous” (e.g. a trigger) the pain was inevitable. I was programming my brain that, if the pain started, it was unstoppable. That the pain would escalate in intensity until I needed to escape with sleep and medication.

Some people confuse this concept with meaning that the pain is somehow ”less real” or ”made-up”; “all-in-the-head”. Well, the reality is that all pain, whether it be from a broken bone or a mysterious migraine, is a mental process. Signals in the pain being interpreted as pain. So it makes sense that negative thinking and emotions can influence how we experience pain. And because our brain is amazing at learning, it starts to program itself. To learn that a specific cause (e.g. trigger) will lead to a certain result. That a specific experience (e.g. eye-pressure) will lead to a full-blown migraine. We essentially train our brain to experience chronic pain. But this pain is very real. No less real than the pain from a broken bone.

When I learned this, I thought it was absolutely brilliant. I also thought that it was an absolute tragedy. The brilliance came in the form of realizing that if I’d programmed my brain for chronic pain then I could also, possibly, reprogram it to something more pleasant (like “not pain). Suddenly, I realized I had the potential to control this wild monster that had ravaged me for so many years. That’s where the tragedy came in. How did it take me 35 years of suffering to become aware of this? I’d taken hundreds of different medications and procedures to “manage my pain”, some to address emotional distress associated with the pain (e.g. anti-depressants), but none of my doctors ever let me know that the power was within my own hands (or brain, I guess I should say). The answer, of course, is that they didn’t know about it themselves. It’s not part of the main curriculum for pain management (at least in western medicine). Oh well, better late than never, right? But this is why I’m sharing my story. Perhaps there is someone out there suffering as I was that will read this and discover hope like me.

There are many mind-body tools and techniques for reprograming our brains for pain. Catastrophizing is just one of the many aspects that need to be addressed and everybody will have their own personal journey. And of course there is every possibility that there is an underlying physical/physiological cause for the pain that needs to be addressed medically. But there is hope. There are tools that can help us.

Today, after over three decades of suffering migraines, I’m pretty much pain-free. I have pressure in my head sometimes, actually quite often, but that pressure remains just pressure. In the old days I would have viewed that pressure as a bad omen and boom the pain would come. These days, if the pressure starts to intensify, I pause, acknowledge whats going on, perhaps do a breathing exercise, and get back to life. In essence, I’m cured of my chronic pain.

I’m currently writing my full length recovery story which I will be sharing as soon as it’s ready. It’s called “Discovering Hope”. I’m pretty excited about sharing my story and sharing my hope.

Work-In-Progress (estimated arrival in December 2021)Work-In-Progress (estimated arrival in December 2022)

Briefly, I used self-help techniques including cognitive-behavior, mindfulness, and expressive writing exercises. The specific program I used is called CURABLE(R) (CurableHealth.com). It’s an online, digital health program and available as an app on your smart phone. If you experience chronic pain then I encourage you to check it out [this is not an advertisement, I’m just sharing what worked for me]. Your also more then welcome to reach out to me with any questions about my personal recovery journey. There is hope, and I’m happy to share it.

Well, that was a quite a long write-up on background, but I think it was important. Now let’s get back to the question at hand. What do you like most about writing?

As mentioned in The Monster Is Me, part of my recovery journey was expressive writing. It’s a mind-body technique that helps with working through unresolved emotional issues. Although most of those expressive writing sessions resulted in torn up scraps, they planted a creative seed within me to explore my life-experiences through the written word. Making sense of my life through writing, and later drawing, has been a running theme throughout my work. Sometimes seriously. Sometimes with a much-needed sense of humor. Writing has continued to be a self-care practice for me and the main driver for me even writing this piece.

Along the journey I’ve found my words and my people. Check out my About Me page for more explanation including links to all my major (self) published works.

Be well,

Monty

Seriously Unserious

7th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What makes you laugh?

Answer: Me. And I mean that seriously.

Seriously Unserious (a serious essay about silliness, seriously!)

(originally published July 25, 2021 on Monty’s Scribbles)

Silliness is not a frivolous exercise for me. But rather a battle for some semblance of sanity. My brain tends to drain into downward spirals. Things tend to get pretty damn dark after awhile. The facts don’t matter so much. The dream house. The loving wife. The healthy kids. These are just idiosyncrasies in a life too good for me. Emotionally, I feel unworthy.

So what to do when I’m feeling blue? It makes no sense so there is no amount of evidence that will support a winning defense. A logical argument just gets twisted and warped within my noggin. I’m wired for self-flogging. The answer is a cliché. Let me explain my way. The best defense against my negativity is a seriously unserious offense. Truthfully, it’s quite silly. Literally.

“Haha”, I force a fake laugh. “Hehe” I yelp, hoping it will help. Sometimes I speak in garbely gook, a language of nonsensical sounds that usually have a rhyming hook. Once I’ve found my sound, It becomes my dance track. My body starts to move like a moose that just lost its rack. Unburdened. Clumsily leaping and lurching to freedom’s beat.  Never looking back.

Onlookers may call me crazy. Except young kids. They understand me. They join in with their very own whoop and holler. No need to fake their laughter. They’ve yet to forget that silliness is a sure-all cure-all to the doldrums. Kids are wired for play. That’s why they are so resilient against all of life’s trials thrown their way. Then we “grow-up.” We forfeit our silliness for seriousness and life becomes injurious. 

But usually this is a solo affair. Just me flailing strangely in the air. Starting off forced and fake, a true laugh starts to overtake. I twist and turn in a mental dance. My downward spiral spinning into an upward swirl. Silliness lifts my spirit. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this. That’s what this essay is for. A reminder for when I’m feeling down and unsure.

Silliness, my drug of choice. Yes, some side effects. Most notably strange looks. But trust me it’s worth it. I’m speaking to me as much as to you. For I’m in a moment of need. “Haha”. “Hehe”. Off I go. This is going to be one hell of a weird dance show. Let’s get up while getting down. It’s time to go to silly town.

Be well,

Monty

An Inspired Post

6th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: Who is someone that inspires you and why?

Oooooooh! I really set myself up with the title of this post didn’t I? Nothing like setting expectations high and then crashing and burning. Haha. But seriously, lower your expectations. It’s just a play on words. Or is it?

First, a small observation. This is the first prompt in the series that adds the “and why”. I honestly assumed that some type of explanation is required for all of these prompts to generate any interesting content. After all, it’s the why behind our hopes and desires, thoughts and feelings, and crazy behaviors that is most interesting, isn’t it? In fact, figuring out the “why” for myself is my biggest motivation for writing in the first place.

I think that there are many people, both the publicly well known and those in my private life that have inspiring accomplishments. Almost everyone has some attributes about them that are potentially inspiring to others. But the key to this question, I think, is whom has actually inspired me to action. After all, without any action how inspired were we really?

Many of the things that I’m most proud of in my recent life I can trace back to personal motivation. The idea may have come from someone or somewhere, but the action and follow through came from within. Over the past 18 months, starting in my 47th year, I’ve self-published five books (after never having written creatively before besides school). Each of these books were self-illustrated (after never having created art before besides school or playing as a child). I’ve done all of this while working in a demanding job and trying to be a good husband, father, son, brother. I may sound like I’m bragging. I guess I am. I’m proud of these accomplishments. To be honest, these accomplishments inspire me to do even more creatively. I’m still writing and illustrating. I’m now also personally blogging. I’m feeling good about myself (and that is not my natural emotional set-point).

In the past several years, I’ve also been on a journey of recovery from four decades of chronic pain (migraines) while also living with major depressive disorder. I’ve learned self-care using mind-body techniques. I’ve learned and made a habit of meditation and yoga. I’ve transformed chronic pain into periodic discomfort. I’ve learned to be happy while being chemically wired for sadness. It hasn’t been easy. Of this journey, I’m also proud.

So the answer to the question of who inspires me is…me? No. Well, yes, but not for this post’s purpose. I’d like to live into the intent of the prompt and share about how and why I’ve been inspired by others in my life. The nominations are:

1. My Mom for inspiring me (granted with some positional power) to get my act together as a teenager. I was out of control and she provided the tough love I needed at the time to make a change and a life-time of unconditional love to support me along the way. Thanks Mom.

2. My Wife for inspiring me to be my best self for the family. She believed in a better me than I’ve ever believed in. She encouraged me to take chances at work that directly led to my career success. She acknowledged my illness, but didn’t allow me to define myself by it. She encouraged me to be present and involved as a father, husband, son. She taught me that by always putting family first we can keep our family together (even through times when we’re not so sure we wanted to). Thanks love.

3. My Children for inspiring me to own up to my failures. When I did let them and my family down they held me accountable. In each of their own ways they have been (rightfully) tough on me for letting them down. They said I’d been their roll-model. They looked up to me. I was the “best” father they could imagine. When I failed them I shattered their world. But we’ve talked about it. We’ve worked and continue to work through our feelings. It’s that ongoing conversation that they are gifting me. Through these conversations with my children I’ve learned to live with regret without feeling constant punishing guilt. Thanks loves.

And the winner is…A THREE-WAY TIE. How extraordinary.

Be well,

Monty

Wishful Thinking

5th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event).

The Prompt: What is something you wish you knew how to do?

There are quite a few ways to take this question. One approach is a ‘genie in a bottle wishing’ fantasy. Another would be the classic ‘if you could have any superpower…’ question. I’m not adverse to taking things in unintentional directions, but I’m in the mood to take this one at face value. Essentially, “What is a skill that I would like to have”. I’m avoiding the word wish in my reframing because wishes should never be wasted on the attainable (which in theory any skill is with the proper effort).

With that settled, let’s get to answering the question. Most of all, if I could pick up any skill, it would be Chinese Language Fluency. I’ve been learning Chinese now for over twenty-five years and I’m still at best at an intermediate level for oral conversation and totally incompetent for reading/writing.

To be fair I’ve never studied Chinese in an educational setting. It’s always been through life here on the ground. I first moved to Shanghai in 1996 and over the past 25+ years I’ve spent more then half of my time living and working in China. My wife is local and her parents have lived with us most of our marriage so I’ve picked up the Shanghainese dialect more so then the official language of Mandarin, but my vocabulary is still quite limited in both. I would love to be able to communicate more fluently with my family and work colleagues. Imagine only being able to speak with your life-partner at a 3rd grade level. Yah. Not ideal (although I’ve strategically used the language barrier at times to cover my just being an insensitive ass sometimes so it does have its advantages at times).

If I were to be playing the genie fantasy game I would wish for fluency in all worldwide languages. There is nothing more powerful than connecting with others in their native language.

Be well,

Monty

Let’s Play!

4th post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: What was your favorite toy as a child?

Before getting into the subject at hand, let me say hello to my recent followers. It’s been very refreshing to join the WordPress platform and connect with friends both old and new. I previously hosted my blog on a platform that didn’t support commenting and it sometimes felt like I was posting to the ether. While I write for myself, I share for human connection. It’s a nice change to see the engagement here and I look forward to continuing to get to know each of you.

Ok, now let’s get down to business. Favorite toy, huh? Not the most stimulating of prompts to be honest, but the first three were great so I’ll forgive the WordPress team for not having 31 winners all lined up for the month. Besides you never know the stories that can come out from even the most pedestrian questions. There is also the possibility that by analyzing our favorite toys we might be able to identify the serial killer among us (there’s always at least one, right?). I’m not sure how exactly to decode the linkage between how we play and how we kill, but it’s an interesting thought experiment. And in case you were wondering…NO, I’m not a serial killer. Honest. Seriously. I was just joking (doth he protest too much)? I promise it was just one time…

Um, where was I? Ah yes, favorite toy. I’ve thought a lot about this (over the past five minutes while on a murderous tangent) and I have to go with Nintendo Classic Super Mario Brothers. It was a late entry as I first got the system when I was a junior in high school. I bought it second hand from a colleague at the movie theater I worked at. I’d never had a video game system (although I’d played Atari when visiting my dad). I think it was the first time that I spent my hard earned cash ($3.25 an hour was the rate at the time; minimum-wage) on something that was for pure fun.

There were also special circumstances that led to the purchase and the enjoyment. I happened to be grounded half-way through my 16th year (and it lasted all the way through my 17th year – yes, I really did F-up that badly. It’s a story for another time). Being grounded meant I wasn’t wasting my money on getting into trouble anymore…and it meant I desperately needed something to do in all my free time. It was the perfect recipe for an addictive video game experience and Mario came to the rescue.

I played that thing for a year before I finally completed the game. With Princess Peach in my arms I simultaneously celebrated the success and mourned the loss of further adventure. It’s just not the same replaying a game you’ve already completed.

I tried playing again decades later with my kids but it was too hard to go back to the limited lives scenario of the classic game. I think my kids lasted about twenty minutes before giving up and going back to the Wii. Despite the lack of replay value (for me), I still choose it as my favorite toy. Anything that can occupy a teenage boy for a year that doesn’t get him into trouble is pretty impressive in my book.

That’s all for today.

Be well,

Monty

Getting Uncomfortable

3rd post for #bloganuary (a WordPress event)

The Prompt: Write about the last time you left your comfort zone.

Hmm. I’ve got to think about this one a bit. I’ve been spending a lot of effort to get comfortable lately because often times l find life, in its entirety, can feel pretty darn uncomfortable. At least in my personal life. And professionally, I’m pretty good about extending myself into new situations and taking chances in search for growth, which I think is the intention of this prompt to explore. It’s hard to think about the last discrete time I went out of my comfort zone. 

*thoughtful pause*

As I think about it, the last time that I did something that made me especially self-conscious and unsure was when I nominated myself to create visual art for a writing & art competition here in China. I’ve done some illustration for others but it’s always been online with a degree of safety through distance and virtual identity. But this was in real life and the art would be “real” too – I would need to print it out and display it. Among other people’s art. In China. Where the idea of being an amateur at anything is not exactly embraced. And I am an amateur by every definition. I’ve got passion but no training. I’m creative, but not exactly talented. At least not in the traditional sense. On top of all of that I would need to be there in person. No hiding behind my pen name persona. I would be there in reality – feeling like an imposter.

The way this worked is that a number or writers created short sci-fi stories and then us artists were assigned a story to create art inspired by the writing. I received my assignment (and volunteered for an extra) and decided that I would create “book covers”  for these stories. I created my first inspiration then chose to share it with the writers for feedback and input. This was not part of the official process, but I like to work collaboratively and this felt right for me. To be honest this part wasn’t uncomfortable. I was still working online and behind my pen name. I’d done online collaborative illustrations and covers before. Here are the pieces I created:

These are not ”high art” but I enjoyed creating them and I do think they captured the essence of the stories they were created for.

Now came the hard part though. Physically printing these suckers for the exhibition event with the realization that they would be displayed next to “real” artists’s work was terrifying. I felt completely inadequate. But I did it. And I mailed the pieces off to Hangzhou so they could be ready for the event.

I actually didn’t join the exhibition event itself due to Covid travel restrictions. I can’t deny that I was a bit thankful for this respite. But it didn’t lesson my anxiety about having my pieces displayed in a real space and seen by real people. It was unnerving.  In the end I got some pictures of the event over WeChat and there were lot’s of happy messages from the participants. Apparently it was a very nice occasion. 

I actually never got any feedback (good or bad) about my work. But I saw them hanging on the wall in the photos. Right next to some really cool pieces by another artist who does tattoo art professionally. My work was amateur in comparison. But I am an amateur. And I took the opportunity to stretch myself and improve my skills. More importantly I put myself out there as I am. The lesson here isn’t about growing more skilled or talented (although sometimes getting out of your comfort zone can do this). For me, the lesson this time was that it is ok to feel uncomfortable and to question myself as long as I still move forward. It didn’t matter that I didn’t earn any accolades or pats on the back. I can pat myself on the back. Good job Monty.

Be well,

Monty