Daily Droppings: “You Knew?”

With #bloganuary out of the way, it’s now time for something fresh as we (hopefully) ease out of winter and into an early spring. Luckily, I’m not the only one that’s been thinking about this and Sandra from What Sandra Thinks has created a series of daily prompts for the month of February. Looking over the prompts, I felt they had a lot of promise so, let’s do this!

Thanks to Giggling Fattie at No Love for Fatties for her post that introduced the opportunity. And, of course, special thanks to Sandra for all of the inspiration.

At the risk of setting myself up for disappointment, I’m going to go ahead and title this series “Daily Droppings” and plan to post daily. Hopefully I can get plenty of “mental fiber” and stick to a regular schedule.


The prompt: “You Knew?”


My son, 20 years old this month and at university, recently admitted to me that he used to read my journal. In his words “You were really messed up”. I don’t disagree (except for maybe his use of the past tense). I was shocked about what he knew about me all these years and never mentioned. Yes, he totally violated my privacy, but all I could think about was how did he ever stay silent all those years? How did reading my very personal words impact him?

I started journaling as part of therapy. I’d been suffering chronic pain and depression since my early childhood and I finally accepted that I needed help. And I finally wanted help versus a permanent escape.

My journal was a mind dump of the darkest thoughts that crossed my mind. I confessed to thoughts I never knew I had. I never realized how angry and repressed I was until I started to journal. I scrawled nasty and hateful thoughts. Dark fantasies. Detailed recounts of suicide attempts and future plans. Interspersed with moments of gratitude, love, and light. I wrote wildly and never read my entries. I just purged and moved on. I can’t imagine what it was like for my son to read my words. Did he think these were just thoughts and crazy writings? Or did he believe that those written words were truer than the ones I spoke?

I’m too afraid to ask him. While, I’ve made much progress with my mental health, I’m just not ready to know. My son has struggled with his own mental health and I’m still working through my role in his illness. I know there are genetics at play, but I fear the damage I’ve done. Not by my words never intended to be read, but by my actions (and inactions). I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t know that I need to know.

All I know is that I love my son. Yes, I worry for him, but I also believe in him. Hope for him. And hope that he reads and believes these words too.


“My Child” – originally published in Monty’s Very Short Shorts

Be well,

Monty

16 Comments

  1. GWT says:

    He knew all along.

    Like

  2. Nice to “meet” you. I hope you enjoy my February list. I never thought anyone would participate!

    I also suffer from depression and chronic pain. And I also have a son who suffers as well. I blame myself not only because of genetics, but also because I know I haven’t been a great parent. I’ve made so many mistakes. So many.

    I’ve tried journaling a number of times but I found that it tends to make me feel worse because instead of feeling like I’m getting the bad thoughts out, I feel like I’m dwelling on them. I can’t say for sure whether either of my kids have ever read my post journals, but I’m certain they know I’m messed up anyway.

    Sorry for the long comment!

    Like

    1. Monty Vern says:

      Oh, thank you for your feedback! Seems like we have a lot of things in common for better and worse!

      I’m so happy to meet you and thanks for sharing.

      Regular journaling, like I described in this post never helped me too much. But expressive writing (a therapeutic writing technique that involves cognitive reframing), helped me dramatically. My migraines have all but disappeared and although I still take anti-depressants at a fairly high level I’m stable and functional.

      I look forward to further reading your words and thanks again for inspiring me today.

      I just finished writing my “Bad Idea” post and will post in the morning. It was fun.

      Be well,
      Monty

      Like

      1. I told myself I was going to look into other types of journaling, but I haven’t done that. I’m good at coming up with ideas but terrible at putting them into practice. Something stops me. I think it’s that deep down, I don’t feel that I deserve to feel better.

        I can’t decide if my bad idea post will be serious or funny. I’ve got a plan either way. Maybe I’ll do both.

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      2. Monty Vern says:

        I had to hit an absolute rock bottom before I really could make an effort. Then I had to hit an even lower bottom as a reminder and kick in the ass. I totally identify with not feeling worthy of feeling ok. But at a certain point I had to do something and I decided to say F@ck it and own and accept the mess I am but seek happiness anyway.

        I took a poetic route for “bad idea”. Allowed me to own up to something without getting too specific. Haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m glad that you were able to find ways to feel better. I feel like I know how but I can’t get myself to do the things that may help.

        No rules to my challenge! Write or post whatever you want.

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  3. I had the same situation with my Sister, but I had written some honest feelings at the time. My friends and family knew to stay away since I use this like a Diary. Well, after that, I totally nixed my last Blog and started completely over with this one. New Email, Everything!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monty Vern says:

      In my case this was a hand written journal that I kept in my nightstand. I don’t want to know what else he might have saw in my nightstand. Haha.

      Like

      1. Okay, That’s even worse on his part! He didn’t have the right to read that, at all.

        Like

      2. Monty Vern says:

        Agree completely.

        Like

  4. I’m always scared of this possibility! That’s why I hide all of my journals. I’ve been writing secretly in my diary/diaries for a long time. And it is a very intimate thought dump..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Monty Vern says:

      I didn’t do anything with regard to concealment except write in a totally messy script, which wasn’t purposeful. Lesson learned.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah when I was younger, I’d even go to the extent of using code names!
        My best friend and I, at the time had come up with a bunch of code names for everyone, so that we could talk freely during class or on the landline.. it just continued on to my diary as well!
        Wow.. this comment is making me feel old..
        *sigh*

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Monty Vern says:

        Hehe. Well, now I’m the one using a code name for myself 😅

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well that’s good!!

        Liked by 1 person

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